the last time i will talk about weight

I promise that this would be the last time I would talk about weight, this is the last time i will unburden my fears, my hatred, my cowardice, my obsession and my lack of self worth.

I had always been chubby since I was a kid, I had to endure a lot of humiliating jokes regarding my weight since I was a kid, not just from my classmates and friends but with my family too. Worse I remember a stranger walking up to me in the streets, he told me " maganda ka sana kung hindi ka baboy" ( You could have been beautiful if you are not a pig) harsh, it was too harsh, It has given me painful memories.   i was walking at  peace with myself that day, why did that guy do that? why do i keep on receiving humiliating comments from my own cousins, why must i always be singled out as fat ( napagiwanan sa kusina) the truth is that even though i smiled a lot when people talk about my weight i am bothered by it. It came to a point where i got so addicted to reducing weight, I jogged 4am to 8 am in the morning, I just drank coffee with no sugar, and ate a single piece of bread for the entire day---if i ever forgot my diet, i would punish myself by exercising non stop for 3 hours in my room. I got so engulfed and obsessed with losing weight that i even stopped going out with friends ( this was in 2nd yr. college) Yes, i lost all the weight. at first I felt really happy about it, i thought i had good self discipline and even lectured my friends to do the same thing- i ended up criticizing my not so skinny friends( wow,  who ever gave me the idea that i can harm other people just because i achieved something)
After some time I got so sick of my routine and started eating again, at time i would remember to exercise, other times i would not. I thought i was immune to it all.
the first thing that i realized is that losing weight and attaining that goal waistline is good---but it is not the source of confidence and happiness. In time, the pain and the lack of self worth still visits me even if i achieved my desired goal. I eventually gained weight again, many of my friends keep on telling me ( ui tumataba ka na) when i hear this words i want to scream and shout.( leave me alone! cant you think about something else to say-something profound, something meaningful, why do this people find the need to criticize others) why dont they just shut the fuck up and make their life meaningful. And then i stop and think about it, why do i get offended, why do i get scared, why do i lose my self worth---is it really measured by  my physical attributes, am i no longer beautiful if i gain weight, what does it really mean to become beautiful and why is it so important.
I just really want to eat what I like, do what i like,wear what i like, without being criticized. but eventually you will realize that this world will not change its standard of beauty for you, even in the face of pain, even at the cost of destroying people. People will still make sure you follow the status quo, the standard waist line. frankly i am the one who is stupid for allowing them to hurt me. for allowing them to control me. I am in no way encouraging every woman to become obese- but i am saying that real confidence is not found by looking at yourself in the eyes of others. it is not about feeling superior about your qualities while demeaning others. I am still on a long path of reconciling and loving myself...but yes this is the last time I will talk about my weight....and so should you...